Rough title to this blog, I know. But there is a good reason for it. I have been going to yoga on and off again for the past several years and back when I used to work such long hours, the only time I could squeeze it in was at 6am. At that time there was only one place in comfortable 6am driving distance from my house with a regular 6am class so I started to go. Now I know people go to yoga for all different kinds of reasons. I happen to go to yoga to de-stress, relax, stretch and to center myself. Overall I really go to AVOID being pissed off. Well, there was only one choice for yoga instructors at that time at this place (Remaining nameless) and I went several times only to leave pissed off with a strong desire to throttle the instructor.
Today I was feeling a bit anxious. Nothing I could put my finger on so I thought a yoga class would be good. I proactively looked at the schedule to see if they had any classes that fit my schedule today. One fit and "said instructor" was not listed to teach the clas. Win-Win! I make my way to the studio just in time for class and as soon as I walked in the door I saw, "Said Instructor" sitting there and my heart hit the floor. Yes, she was the replacement instructor for this class and I stuck it out. As it turns out, it was much better than I remembered. That or I am much more laid back now that my life is a bit more mellow or maybe my mood is better in the afternoon than it is at 6am. Either way, I left today only wanting to run out of the class a couple of times and I didn't even wish bodily harm to her.
Now what could make me (an otherwise non-violent person) want to throttle a person that is teaching what is supposed to be a relaxing yoga session you ask? Did she make it too difficult? Was I in phyisical pain and weak? No. It has nothing to do with the intensity of the session. I will say that I understand that what you are about to read is down right bitchy. I own that. I also understand that what you are about to read may very well be the things you love about your yoga class and that is absolutley fine. There is just something inside me that MUST release this out into the world.
I will do a count down to give you an idea of how to use yoga to piss Mrs. Schnelder off.
5. Play fast tempo, thumping, loud music throughout class. Come on! Did you all take your ephedrine before Yoga?! Uh, if I wanted fast tempo beats I would have gone to Zumba and not Yoga!
4. Bark orders to the class to do continuous sun salutes very quickly (imagine the chipmunks on crack) and then tell the class "really, you should go at your own pace" but never let anyone catch up, just keep speeding along. When I look around everyone has a look of confusion like, "Where are we?"
3. Use the whole class to show all of the advanced moves you as the instructor can do and follow the moves with, "I know none of you can do this stuff now but don't worry I just want you to see what it should look like." This may a very reasonable act but she says it in a way that is like nails on a chalkboard to me.
2. BLAST the music during Savasana (corpse pose) while you are supposed to be laying in meditation with a lovely lavender pillow over your eyes preparing to go back into the world a much more serene person. But make sure it is so loud that your eyes water and you can't even hear your own thoughts and you feel like you are at a Metallica concert on the floor.
1. Add Dave Matthews to your yoga playlist for class.
I left class with a strong desire to go fetal in a dark room. I am headed there now.
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